Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
no you cant smoke seaweed
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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