I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
