Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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