my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
