If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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