My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
