she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize