Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
