I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
