Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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