i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
