If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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