____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
