Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
