If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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