i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Drunk is not a location!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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