am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
