Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
