Someone shit on the floor
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
