Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
