i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
