in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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