I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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