Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
