Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
