I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
