Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Randomize
