I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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