3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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