I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
