The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
