So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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