I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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