I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
