my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
