You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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