I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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