There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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