so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
