Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is Oprah even human
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
