My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
