tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
