Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Watching her eat just hurts me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
