I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
