You're my little dorito
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
