i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
