I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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