And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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