Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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