Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My vagina just recognized that song.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize