She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize