you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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