I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
