I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
