I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
