So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
