Whod you bang
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
